His girlfriend loved lolcats.
Every day was the same. “Aww Tyler, look! I haz a flavor! Oh my gosh, look at this one! look! Yes you can haz cheezburger! Oh Tyler, they is soo cute!!”
She began to type like an lolcat. She began to act like an lolcat. She began to talk like an lolcat. First in the house, in private. While he was annoyed, he tolerated her behavior. This went on for quite some time. Then, to his horror, she began to speak lolcat outside, with friends, in public. Oh, the embarrassement.
“Oh look at dat outfit she is wearing! Do not want!” “Oh noes Tyler, I iz sleepy” and “Im in ur car, listening to ur radioz” Every fucking day was exactly the same.
Everytime she saw something she liked, she blurted out “Win”
Everytime she saw something she disliked, she blurted out “Fail”
She mimed out “invisible sammiches” and “invisible bicycles”
When she went to the bathroom, she would kiss him and say “brb”
She stopped laughing altogether, replacing good hearted chuckles with the words “lol”
When she introduced herself to his friends, she would smile and say “Hai, I R Tylers girlfwiend”
…He lost a lot of friends that year.
It became unbearable. His sanity, compromised. Her IQ, dwindling.
She went to visit him at work. She went to his cash register and started pushing buttons. She purposely broke it. “Oh Hai! I fixded ur money thingy” She giggled. The bitch.
His coworkers thought she was retarded. Not like “man, your girlfriend is dumb” but more like “dude, why are you dating a retarded chick? whats wrong with you?” They teased him. They taunted him. Every day. They were relentless.
…He quit his job.
One morning, he was upset about his unemployment. The economy had went to shit and it was hard to find another job. What was he going to do? He called his girlfriend, crying.
“Please, baby, you have to stop acting like this. I miss the old you.”
He prayed for a rational response.
“Okay Tyler. Im sorry. Ill stop. Im sorry about your job. Ill be over to cheer you up”
Her actual human words were refreshing. He was so happy to hear her say that. He thought about that time they went to the beach, she looked so beautiful. This was before lolcats. They splashed around in the water for hours and just enjoyed life. They collected seashells that day. He still has them.
He loved her. He really did.
She arrived at his door about half an hour later. To pick his spirits up she told him that she made him a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies.
But guess what?
She fricking eated them.
That was it. That was the last straw. Tyler snapped. He just couldnt take it anymore.
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